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July 13, 2011

BUDDY: Inventing really smart stuff

Dr. Mohamed Elmasry

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As an academic I, along with my graduate students, have spent the last 45 research years inventing digital chips which are smarter, faster and consume less power. When these chips hit the consumer market they were given the name 'smart chips', and the devices they support are 'smart phones,' or 'smart this' and 'smart that.'

But now, since I am retired, I want to spend my time inventing really- smart stuff.

I want to invent a set of chips you buy when you hit 40 which you get your doctor to implant in a few spots in your body.

For the first 10 years these chips will learn about your real self. But from the age of 50 they will communicate to each other and do your work while you are sleeping. Your brain will have a good 8 hour rest after it has been disconnected from your central nervous system.

All your body’s functions, including the voluntary ones like having sex, and the non-voluntary ones, like breathing and snoring, will be done by this chip set, which we can call BUDDY as in friend.

As you start your 8 hour sleep BUDDY will know what you did not finish during the day.

Maybe you did not call your mom to wish her a happy birthday. BUDDY was trained during its first 10 year time to be you. So, if you used to call your mom two weeks after her birthday and tell her, ‘Mom, I love you. Happy birthday. Sorry I meant to call earlier. I was traveling on business and hopping from airport to airport (it is a lie). I mailed you a nice book yesterday. I hope it does not get lost in the mail again like it did last year (another lie).’ BUDDY will compose a new call patterned to be like last year’s and even carry on a conversation with your mom while you are sleeping, telling her about the new dog you just got and so forth.

If you used to go on the net to scan for news before you go to bed, don’t worry, BUDDY will do it for you and you can go straight to bed.

Remember your sex organs are totally under your BUDDY’s control while you are sleeping. Understanding your routine, BUDDY will perform and store pleasure pulses for you to enjoy in the morning.  Men will really appreciate having sex while they are sleeping –no need to roll to sleep after. With BUDDY you say good bye for ever to Viagra because BUDDY will have access to blood flow everywhere.

Of course you will have to warn the people you are living with that you went through an operation and now BUDDY is living within you. This is important because when BUDDY is in control it will appear that you are sleep walking, or talking to yourself or vacuuming the house at 3 o’clock in the morning. BUDDY is doing all of that using your legs, hands, voice, etc while your brain is sleeping.

The drawback of having BUDDY within you all the time is that he can be annoying. For example for the first 10 year of training he can ask inquisitive questions to know you better. He could also be insulting, telling you that there is a better way to do this and that. But for the first 10 years you have to treat your BUDDY as you-in-training.

The advantage of having BUDDY from age 50+ is that you can have more time to sleep, and therefore look younger and be healthier and yet keep the same level of activities.

The reason to have a BUDDY operation at age 40 and not earlier is that before that age many people change a lot and it becomes very expensive to have a BUDDY operation every few years.

Once the BUDDY operation gets publicity and movie stars have it and talk shows discuss it, you can talk your employer in to paying for it since it will increase your productivity at the same salary. You will even be more fun to have around the office.

What we need now are some venture capital companies to believe in the idea and support the necessary research. We need also subjects who are willing to experiment with BUDDY. Any takers?

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